


bad practice

by thewriterofperfectdisasters



Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Again, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Hospitals, Humor, M/M, This is my life now, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 11:14:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15338658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewriterofperfectdisasters/pseuds/thewriterofperfectdisasters
Summary: ‘What happened?’ Damen finally asked, as they headed to the emergency room. ‘Boyfriend go a bit too hard? You can get haemorrhoids from that.’‘You can get haemorrhoids from a lot of things, and I’m going to get someone to curse you with them if you ever mention this to Laurent.’‘You want me to keep your ER trip a secret from my boyfriend?’ Damen asked incredulously, as they walked through the entrance. ‘That’s how trust issues form, and they’re a bigger problem than haemorrhoids.’





	bad practice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [oworestias](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oworestias/gifts).



> once again, not my fault i wrote this. well, like, lowkey, it is. highkey was once again enabling into doing so.
> 
> _so here we are again._
> 
> sort of companion to [this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15300498).

It was needless to say that the last person Damen expected to be called by at midnight on a Thursday was Auguste. Since the, uh, _incident_ , as they’d taken to calling it, their relationship had been strained, as was rightly so, seeing as Damen had literally broken Auguste’s little brother’s throat with his dick. Neither of them had lived it down, but Laurent was, as was his way, rather blasé about the whole thing and had an air of smugness about him whenever it was brought up.

As it was, Damen was on the verge of sleep and playing his last round of _2048_ before he went to asleep, with Laurent already dozing beside him, when an horrible candid of Auguste, stuffing fries in his mouth with ketchup dripping down his chin, took over his screen.

Damen was oh-so tempted to decline the call, but he knew there would be a good reason why Auguste would be calling _him_ of all people.

‘What?’ he whispered, as he picked up the phone.

‘I need you to take me to the hospital,’ Auguste said lowly. ‘Now. Right now.’

Damen’s eyes flew open, and he climbed carefully out of bed, shooting a glance to Laurent behind him as he did so. Laurent stayed where he was, and Damen made his way to the kitchen to speak. ‘Why?’

‘Because I don’t want to call an ambulance for this,’ Auguste hissed. ‘Please? Just come get me.’

‘You don’t sound like you’re dying.’

‘Damen, I do not have time to explain what is currently going on, but please come pick me up and take me to the hospital. I can’t call Laurent for this.’

‘Oh, really?’ Damen asked, intrigued. ‘That means it’s probably embarrassing. I’m on my way.’

Auguste groaned. ‘Great. Make sure you bring your car.’

‘Why mine?’

‘It has a bigger backseat…’

Damen waited, because it sounded like Auguste was going to continue. ‘And?’

‘And I can’t sit,’ Auguste said through gritted teeth.

Damen grinned. ‘Oh, this is gonna be _good_.’

***

Damen arrived outside Auguste’s house less than fifteen minutes later, and didn’t even need to get his phone out, before he saw the man himself hobble out and towards the car, not even closing the door behind himself.

‘You just gonna leave your house open like that?’ Damen asked, as Auguste opened the door and hovered awkwardly to close it, before he collapsed onto his stomach over the backseat and arranged his long legs in a way that was… less than safe.

‘He’ll close the door,’ Auguste grumbled. ‘Just drive. Carefully.’

‘Who is he?’ Damen asked, reversing down the driveway and starting course for the hospital. ‘Secret boyfriend?’

‘ _Dead_ boyfriend,’ Auguste corrected. ‘Didn’t want to take me.’

‘Dropkick his ass,’ Damen suggested. ‘A good boyfriend will take you to the hospital, especially if it saves you having to call your brother’s boyfriend out of bed at midnight to do it.’

Auguste huffed. ‘Or just take you there because he’s the one that broke your throat.’

‘Okay, we’ve been through this so many times. It was an accident and Laurent is over it, so you should be too.’

‘You _ruptured_ my brother’s airway with your _dick_ , Damen.’

‘Yes, and you know how smug he gets when you talk about it, so shut up, before I ask you what’s got you lying across my seats like that.’

Auguste poked his arm up and gave Damen the finger, but stayed silent until they arrived at the hospital, when he spoke up. ‘You can go to the carpark.’

‘Wow, really not that urgent, is it? Don’t even want to be dropped at the entrance so I can park.’

‘It’s urgent, but I’m probably not going to die, so you can park.’

‘Fine, Jesus,’ Damen said, swinging a little sharper than was necessary to the patient parking lot. ‘Do you need help getting out?’

‘I’ll let you know,’ Auguste replied, as Damen came to a stop.

He waited for Auguste to remove himself from the car, opening the door for him and watching him reverse out and stand with a wince. ‘What happened?’ Damen finally asked, as they headed to the emergency room. ‘Boyfriend go a bit too hard? You can get haemorrhoids from that.’

‘You can get haemorrhoids from a lot of things, and I’m going to get someone to curse you with them if you ever mention this to Laurent.’

‘You want me to keep your ER trip a secret from my boyfriend?’ Damen asked incredulously, as they walked through the entrance. ‘That’s how trust issues form, and they’re a bigger problem than haemorrhoids.’

‘Oh my God, I don’t have haemorrhoids!’ Auguste snapped, causing several people in their vicinity to look up at him. ‘Sit down, I’m going up to the desk.’

‘Fine, sure, take your time,’ Damen said, holding his hands up in surrender and plopping leisurely into a chair.

He watched Auguste walk up to the desk and lean over it to speak quietly to the nurse, whose eyes widened a little, as she nodded and picked up a phone, while Auguste headed back. This whole thing was giving Damen a distinct sense of déjà vu, after what had happened here only a few months ago with Laurent.

Auguste made his way slowly back, and stood in front of Damen. ‘Someone’s on their way.’

‘Are you saying that whatever is wrong with you is on par with a ruptured airway?’ Damen asked, as he raised an eyebrow. ‘Because this is exactly what happened when I was here last.’

‘When you broke my brother,’ Auguste deadpanned. ‘Yes.’

‘ _Again_ ,’ Damen said, standing as they waited for someone to come for Auguste. ‘He doesn’t _care_ anymore.’

Auguste gave him a cold look, so eerily similar to those Damen got from Laurent when he thought he was being an idiot. ‘Yes, but I do.’

‘It wasn’t _your_ throat,’ Damen muttered, as a nurse approached them and nodded to Auguste.

‘We’re going to take you to an exam room, just briefly,’ she said, leading the way down the same corridor that Damen had been down with Laurent, and into what may have even been the same room. ‘We’ve got you in the queue for an emergency x-ray, and we’ll go from here. Is this your boyfriend?’

‘I’m his brother’s boyfriend,’ Damen said. ‘So please, tell me _everything_ that’s going on.’

Auguste shot him a look. ‘You better not be telling Laurent about any of this.’

‘Oh no, not yet,’ Damen smiled pleasantly.

‘…Anyway,’ the nurse said, once she deemed their conversation done. ‘I’ll come get you when they’re free. Yes?’

‘Yep, great. Sooner the better.’

‘Do you want to sit?’ she asked. ‘I can find a ring pillow, or you can lie down, whatever is more comfortable.’

‘No, thank you. I’m fine for now,’ Auguste said, giving her a strained smile.

She nodded, doing her best to hide her own smile. ‘Of course. I’ll be back shortly.’

Auguste nodded, and paced slowly around the room. He paused next to Damen and got his phone out, tapping angrily at the screen.

Damen frowned, looking up from the screen of his own phone. ‘Do you hear something buzzing?’

Auguste blanched and hobbled away as quick as he could. ‘No, I do not hear anything buzzing, thank you.’

Damen shrugged and went back to his phone. No one would be up, except Pallas and Lazar, but they would be up in an entirely different meaning of the word, so he was instead relegated to posting selfies and pictures of his feet with complaints of boredom on Snapchat.

It was about fifteen minutes later that the nurse came back for Auguste, and led him from the room, leaving Damen alone with Auguste’s phone.

Of course, being the good person that Damen was, he didn’t go through his phone, even when he heard it go off with several texts. He just played more _2048_ on his own phone, and waited for Auguste to return with news.

Another little while passed, and Auguste was deposited back in the examination room, where he promptly collapsed onto the bed and curled up on his side, as he glared at his phone and answered his texts.

‘Who were they from?’ Damen asked, just to make some conversation.

‘Idiot, dead boyfriend,’ Auguste said. ‘I am going to kill him when I leave here.’

‘You’ve mentioned. Am I going to find out why?’

‘No.’

‘Am I going to find out who you’re dating?’

‘Also no.’

‘Well, that’s just rude,’ Damen grumbled. ‘You woke me up for this. I was almost asleep. With my boyfriend. Who was, in fact, asleep.’

‘That must be nice, because I definitely wasn’t.’

‘You’re very angry today, Auguste.’

‘That’s because –’

‘Hello!’ a tall, red-haired doctor greeted loudly, striding into the room with an x-ray in his hands. ‘Mr de Vere and… friend?’

‘Friend,’ Auguste confirmed. It warmed Damen’s heart a little. ‘So?’

‘Well,’ the doctor said, as he clipped the x-ray into the light box. ‘We all know what’s going on in there.’

‘Is that?’ Damen’s eyebrows shot into his hairline, as the x-ray lit up, revealing – ‘Auguste, is that a vibrator?’

Auguste, bright red, ignored Damen, and concentrated on speaking with the doctor. ‘And?’

‘Well, we’re going to try to remove it rectally first, and if that doesn’t work, plan B.’

‘And plan B is surgery?’ Auguste guessed.

The doctor nodded. ‘Yep! But we’re confident we can get it out manually.’

‘What goes up must come down,’ Damen said, barely able to contain the glee from his voice. ‘So, when are you going to, uh, extract it?’

‘Damen, this does not concern you.’

‘Oh, Auguste, this concerned me the moment you _called_ me.’

‘We’re preparing to remove it as soon as possible, so we’ll have you step into the waiting room just down the hall while we help your friend,’ the doctor smiled. ‘Sound good? There’s free coffee down there.’

‘Great, I’ll be off, come get me when you’ve got that out his ass.’

‘Absolutely.’

‘You don’t want to stay?’ Auguste asked, somewhat pleadingly.

‘Oh, I definitely do,’ Damen said gleefully. ‘This would be hilarious, but I don’t need to become acquainted with your ass like that, thanks. Also, I don’t think I’m allowed to stay.’

‘Not really, no,’ the doctor confirmed. ‘Shouldn’t take us too long, anyway.’

‘Cool! Have fun, Auguste,’ Damen grinned, stepping out of the room and making his way to find the free coffee.

***

‘You know,’ Damen said casually, as Auguste sat next to him in the car, perched tentatively on a ring pillow. ‘You really shouldn’t use unflared toys in your butt.’

Auguste turned slowly towards him and blinked. ‘Are we having this conversation right now.’

‘Yes, because you got a _vibrator_ stuck in your ass, dude,’ Damen said, pausing the car at a stop light. ‘Things that have a flared base won’t get sucked in and go on an adventure in your colon or whatever. Butt safety first.’

‘Butt safety…’ Auguste shook his head. ‘I know, okay? This isn’t my first rodeo. It was all we had on hand.’

‘Still, make better choices,’ Damen said, slapping him on the shoulder and continuing on towards Auguste’s house. ‘And kick your boyfriend in the dick for not taking you to the hospital.’

‘I will,’ Auguste said dangerously, before his voice softened. ‘Thank you for taking me.’

‘Not a problem. You’re lucky I was awake and don’t have work today.’

‘Yeah. Please don’t tell Laurent about this. I’ll talk to him tomorrow or something.’

‘Sure, yeah. But why did you call me? Also, what does your boyfriend have against being helpful?’

‘Nikandros is a fucking _pussy_ ,’ Auguste muttered, sighing and letting his head fall against the headrest, ‘and he didn’t want anyone to know what he’d done.’

‘Wait, Nikandros?’ Damen said, turning onto Auguste’s street. ‘As in Nik, Nikandros? My best friend?’

‘Ugh, pretend I didn’t say anything, but yes.’

‘I need to have this conversation with him, too, then. He should know better.’

‘I absolutely agree,’ Auguste nodded, as Damen pulled up to his house. ‘Tell Laurent I say hi.’

‘Sure. Bye,’ he said, as Auguste waved, and took his ring pillow then headed for his house.

Damen drove home in silence. It was closing on two thirty in the morning, he was so far from awake, and just couldn’t wait to get home and fall asleep next to Laurent.

When he walked into the apartment, he tried to creep through, toeing his shoes off by the front door and sneaking into the main rooms, but he was stopped in his tracks by a light flicking on by Laurent’s favoured leather armchair.

‘Hello, Damen,’ Laurent greeted. He was sitting quite leisurely, with his legs crossed, wearing a deep purple velvet robe that was slipping off one shoulder, and sipping from a scotch glass. ‘It’s nearly three. Where have you been?’

‘Why do you have a scotch glass?’ Damen asked, avoiding the question. ‘You don’t drink.’

‘No, I don’t,’ Laurent said, taking another sip. ‘It’s apple juice. Where did you go?’

‘Uh, nowhere.’

‘That explains why you were posting selfies from the hospital on Snapchat,’ Laurent said, getting up and walking across the room to him. ‘Who were you there with?’

And _God_ if Laurent didn’t know exactly how to play Damen. ‘Nikandros is a pussy and didn’t want the world to know what he’d done.’

Laurent slowly raised an eyebrow. ‘Those sound suspiciously like words that might come from my brother’s mouth.’

‘Where did you get this robe from?’ Damen said, trying, again, to deflect the question. ‘I didn’t know you had this.’

‘We have separate closets, I have plenty of things you don’t know about.’

‘Ooh, that sounds fun,’ Damen murmured, putting a hand gently on Laurent’s hip.

‘No, we’re not doing that now,’ Laurent said, plucking Damen’s phone from his pocket. ‘Did you take my brother to the hospital?’

‘…No.’

Laurent grinned. ‘What happened? What did Nik do to him?’

Damen broke. ‘He got a vibrator stuck up his ass.’

Laurent’s smile faltered, before he burst into laughter, quite unable to hold himself together, he passed his juice to Damen. It took a few moments before he had control enough to ask, ‘A vibrator?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Oh my God.’

‘It wasn’t flared, Laurent.’

‘Oh, that’s just bad practice.’

‘Right?’

Laurent wiped the tears from his eyes and grabbed both his phone and Damen’s from the pockets of his robe, unlocking them both, and opening Instagram on his own, and contacts on Damen’s.

‘What are you doing?’ Damen asked, as he followed Laurent to the kitchen, where he turned on a light and started up an Instagram live.

‘It’s three in the morning, and I know no one is probably up, but this needs to be recorded for posterity,’ Laurent said to his phone. ‘Oh! Pallas is here. Hey, is Lazar watching, too? He is. Good. Please hold,’ he said, grinning as he selected Nik from Damen’s contacts and turned it to speaker.

_‘Damen! Dude, thank you so much for taking Auguste to the hospital,’_ Nik said in a rush. _‘I’m sorry we didn’t tell you, but it’s pretty new, and we didn’t want to freak you or Laurent out.’_

‘Hello, Nik,’ Laurent said smoothly. ‘May I speak briefly to my brother?’

_‘Oh, Laurent… it’s you,’_ Nik replied, sounding immediately less pleased. _‘Sure, one sec.’_

There was some scuffling on the other end of the line, as the phone was handed over. _‘Laurent, hey, what’s up?’_ Auguste asked casually.

‘I hear you got something stuck up your ass,’ Laurent said. ‘And I hear you’re dating Nik.’

_‘Uh, no, and maybe?’_

‘Flared toys only for butts, my brother,’ Laurent said with an exaggerated sigh. He paused to read something that popped up on his own phone. ‘Pallas and Lazar say you two are amateurs and should be ashamed.’

_‘Are you recording this?’_

‘Instagram live. You’re lucky I have a private account.’

_‘Damen, I hate you!’_ Auguste yelled.

Damen grinned. ‘Yep, you too!’

‘So,’ Laurent continued. ‘Do we need to have any talks?’

_‘Absolutely not,’_ Auguste said, hanging up.

Laurent laughed and handed Damen his phone back. ‘Well, I’m definitely never going to let him live this down. In case anyone missed that, Auguste did, in fact, get something unflared stuck in his ass, courtesy of Nikandros. We thank them for the laughter they’ve brought into our lives tonight. Now, it’s three a.m., and I am going to bed.’ Laurent blew a kiss to his phone. ‘Goodnight, Pallas and Lazar, and anyone watching later!’

‘You only have like twenty followers,’ Damen said, as Laurent ended the stream.

‘So? I like to make everyone feel welcome.’

‘That’s a lie.’

‘Maybe,’ Laurent leaned up on his tiptoes to brush his lips against Damen’s cheek. ‘Bed?’

Damen smiled, happily as ever, and kissed Laurent’s forehead. ‘Please.’

**Author's Note:**

> as always, i'm on [tumblr](http://damiaanos.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
